The meaning of life…..

Pretty deep right…? I am not very religious, I don’t really pray or go to church, but I believe that good things happen to good people, I believe there is a reason for everything, I believe that what happens to us has some kind of meaning, reason. I have to believe this, because thats the only way I can really accept it. It is very clear to me why Celiac kiddo, MY kid was diagnosed with celiac…. because the UAE needed us. Look at the massive change and impact my campaigning has made to the lives of thousands in the UAE. Blatant obvious reason. It was meant to be, it had a higher purpose.

But now…? WHAT THE HELL is the meaning of this? Have I not done enough? Can I just please rest now? I cant make sense of any of this. Its not fair (<- said in the voice of a grumpy 3 year old child). Im tired now, I need a break….. we all need a break.

Not a holiday break kindof break, but a go to school every day and nothing crappy happens for ages kindof break. Its not really to much to ask is it? I keep paying stuff in to the karma bank and I do whatever I can for others, charities etc….and still now…. Im just so tired.

So much for opening wordpress to try to give you all an upbeat happy post….

Really, Im not an ungrateful cow, I know I have so much to be grateful for – even in all this. I am grateful every day that we are together, that I can spend every second on my day on focusing on my children, that we have awesome doggies, that we have a nice house to live in and can afford to buy the best foods the shops have to offer. That my kids go to a great private school with small class sizes, etc etc etc. But now, please, I just want normal. for a bit…..


When your kid is sick all the time…..

Pneumonia. Again. No, it wasn’t the last one that didn’t go away, its a NEW one. A FRIGGIN NEW ONE LESS THEN A MONTH AFTER THE LAST ONE!

I carry on, I do, I clean, cook, comfort, give meds, check oxygen levels and massage her back and cook some more and clean some more, and try not to worry and carry on…….

Horrible evenings with low oxygen levels, I pack bags and cry a little in my bedroom or the bathroom, the older kid cries and asks what will happen to HIM if celiac kid goes to hospital again and I carry on and comfort and cook and clean a little.

People tell me Im so brave and strong and all that other bullshit and I just want to scream because Im not strong at all, I didnt choose this, it chose us and I don’t have an option ‘a’ and ‘b’ where b is ‘lie on floor and do nothing’, so I carry on, that doesn’t make me strong, it makes me a mum. It makes me Celiac kids mum. And at times, I feel like this is it, this is our life, because it seems like we never get a break from it no matter what we do.

Im so tired, tired of doctors and tired of second opinions and people, PEOPLE! The ones who knows someone who knows someone who’s cousin had a kid like bla bla bla and have we tried bla bla bla….. I know these people are just trying to help but Im so freaking TIRED of all of it. Its not like we have sat on our bums and not done whatever we can to try to change this… we moved country for crying out loud!

I carry on, I try to live, I plan things and know they will probably be cancelled one way or another anyway, I clean , I cook, I carry on and in my head Im screaming at the top of my lungs because it is just so fucking UNFAIR all this shit, and how the hell can a 5 year old girl have had what, 9 ( or more ? )  pneumonias and I don’t know how many upper respiratory infections and bronchiolitis??? People DIE from pneumonias!! I am not strong, I break inside every time she is sick, how many times can you have pneumonia and actually be ok at the end of it? How many times can your oxygen levels drop THAT low with your heart having to beat extra hard and fast to make up for it and still be ok?

I am so tired. Not tired like I can sleep a bit and fix it, not even pregnant drewling on your chin kindof tired, but utterly exhausted, and if there was an option b to lie on the floor and just lie there forever and ever I would probably choose that……

But instead… I choose option a…. I carry on, I clean and cook, and cry a little in the bathroom.

Tomorrow allergist appointment and ‘normal’ dr. appointment, and off we go and carry on and bla bla bla….