I am trying to process all this new information, come to terms with it, understand it…. but its hard to come to terms with things that are maybes, things that aren’t for sure.
With the Celiac process I also felt sorrow, and guilt (because mummy didn’t know) and then I read and read and read and learned whatever I could, made a support group because there wasn’t one, met others and I processed. I not only processed but I excelled in my knowledge, helped others (and still do) and it was all ok. Celiac was ok, our disease was not a lonely thing. We were “severe” symptom wise and issues wise, not those happy go merry celiacs that go out and function somewhat normally. We had issues, many of them. Now ofcourse I know most of those issues were probably not celiac at all but all the other crap that we now know about.
Trying to process a disease that I have to google every time I need to write it because I cant learn to spell it (hypereosinophilic syndrome) , trying to process a disease that she probably has but they dont want to say for sure yet because there is no damage, (lupus and rheumatoid arthritis), trying to process and understand a disease that is super rare and the only specialist that deals with it in the country we live has closed down his email and no doctors know how to get us the help we need (Ehler Danlos Syndrome). What else…? Haha, I mean, we for real have to think twice to make sure we include everything when we are told to give a medical history. The allergies and the celiac take a backseat will you, you are so minor I mostly forget! I even find that offensive myself as a celiac advocate, but it is how it is right now.
Then there is her immune system, a system that we know its faulty, but they cant figure out what part. She gets sick and her system doesn’t respond, she doesn’t fight. Her levels are ok on paper, but in reality…. not so much. They are testing and re testing, the road has already been so long, and yet there is an awfully long way to go before we actually get to someone saying a. yes, this is whats wrong with her immune system, or b. There is nothing wrong with her immune system and whats happening is a symptom of her other disease(s) that are not yet fully diagnosed.
Meanwhile we are at home a lot. We rest. We eat. We try to live a normal life. What is normal anyway? This is normal to us, pretty much has been for years, naming the crap really doesn’t make much difference in how we live, although I must say I do feel better.
When baby girl says she has a bad day now and she’s tired, I let her stay in bed all day. A year ago I would have felt guilt, guilt that she isn’t playing outside, guilt that we never DO anything, guilt that she didn’t get enough fresh air etc etc etc. All that guilt by the way, it wasn’t my guilt, it was the guilt that society puts on you when you have a child that doesn’t look sick. If they don’t look sick they cant be, and so they must conform to a life where you do stuff every day, go out every day, dont use a puschair when you are 6 etc etc etc. Now the only guilt I have is that I pushed her when obviously on those bad days she needed to rest.
Oh, and I have guilt about her hair! Gosh, this hair that we grew and grew, and she would cry when we brushed and I thought she was just being a kid. She asked to cut it, and I didn’t say no, but I talked her in to keeping on with growing it long, every time. Now after reading and reading I realise that most EDS patients have “hair pain”, many cant stand to have their hair brushed as there is so much pain involved. Who the hell am I to try to talk her in to having it long?? I listen now. I have learned to listen with ears that aren’t tainted by our societies pre set expectations of what life should be like. I listen like a true listening expert and whats more, I hear her.
I will keep processing, I will keep on hanging in there. Check in on us on facebook (which is far easier to update then here).
Love and spoons